Edith Bunker the wise fool

We have too many Bunker-heads and Meatheads, if you’ve seen the TV series, All In The Family, you understand the reference. The extremism in society presses the people, in the middle. I finally had a day without depression that allowed me to send out queries to literary agents, but that sent me into a world of extreme liberalism. Extreme conservatives drive me nuts, too, but I’m fed up with White Elitist meatheads.

I spent many years, in the manufacturing industry, and it is depressing to see no matter how hard you work—your job can get shipped overseas. I understand and sympathize with immigrants who want a chance, but I’ve been placed into the wringer myself and no one is more native to Florida than me unless they are related to me; even the Seminoles are foreign invaders compared to me. The liberals seem to want me displaced. Immigrants have somewhere else to go, I have no other affiliation with another country and I feel alienated.

I get attacked for being a White Native American in Florida and this dumb retarded nuke is struggling to control the anxiety and rage of today’s society. Almost all the literary agents I researched on twitter were extreme liberal meatheads. Get off my land, I’m native to Florida and you are not I’m sick of being attacked and I’m most likely much more dangerous than you. The point I make with the title was that Edith was in the middle and she defended one against the other. Archie and Meathead were often wrong in different ways.

I wrote this post a long time ago, and I just decided to post it.

Depression and the lack of blips

Where are the blips of happiness? Without the reward center in your brain guiding your aim — you’re lost. I could use a bloop but I’ll settle for a blip. You should be happy when you finish writing a book, but I just feel lost each time I finish and I didn’t recover by starting my next novel. My book trailer ideas haven’t panned out; nothing wows me. The blah won’t make way a bit of a blip; just, desert rock dry. Depression makes me awfully error prone; it’s amazing how many mistakes I made in writing this little post but the depression has left me with nothing better to do.

The Frustration of a Dumb Retard

I call myself a dumb retard because I was mute (dumb), for longer than your average child and suffered some social retardation. The term ‘dumb retard’ doesn’t bother me because I see the term as an accurate assessment. Talking has always frustrated me and as a child, I often thought about cutting my vocal chords to relieve the frustration. Eventually, I learned to fake normalcy to the casual eye but inside I’m a freak. Doctors have never been easy to deal with and I’ve grown wearier over time. Writing under an alias allows me to voice my frustration, but my frustration has harshened my voice and probably killed any chance of getting a literary agent.

Depression hit hard and I stopped editing my novel because low concentration levels might screw up my edits. The difficulty in earning an income from writing doesn’t inspire optimism — consider this report in Forbes:

According to data from a new survey from Digital Book World and Writer’s Digest, the median income range for self-published authors is under $5,000 and nearly 20% of self-published authors report deriving no income from their writing.Dec 9, 2013
How Much Money Do Self-Published Authors Make? – Forbes
I hate both political parties and seeing all the White Elitist Liberals in the literary agencies aggravated me as much as my fight with a Republican about the idiocity of George Bush Jr. Many times, I have referred to Obama as having Bush for brains because I didn’t consider him any better. Posting stuff about literary agents and agencies is a good way to get blackballed and I stopped thinking about an agent after one agent pulled my final straw. Zora Neale Hurston hated White elitists and didn’t care for some of her fellow African-Americans in the literary industry; I have much more reason to hate White elitists considering my mixed ancestry who rave about Obama’s half White ass but seem to see too much White filling, in my mestizo ass.
I’m left with very little hope, but I dawdle out ideas about the third book. From the beginning, I had somewhat of a ‘publish after I’m dead’ perspective. The freak in me makes thoughts of popularity awfully disdainful.

Kafkaesque Depression

Franz Kafka suffered from social anxiety and depression, as do I. Kafka’s reluctance to publish his work probably stemmed from his social anxiety and the thought of publishing my two novels has caused horrible bouts of depression. Kafka had much more going for him than I do, so my attitude is understandable on the Kafka scale.

Kafka felt alienated and wished for Zionism (a Jewish Homeland). I’m far more attached to Florida than Kafka was to Israel, but I’m a very alienated native; I’m Gregor. and the second novel in my series shares surrealistic traits with  Kafka’s work.

A Truly Broken Heart Never Mends

Intervention can stop the bleeding and strengthen the heart’s muscle, but it’s often difficult to find a savior. Nine out of ten doctors do more harm than good, in my experience based opinion. In matters of metaphysical love, I can say the same thing. My heart’s damaged, in the bodily and spiritual sense, so I’ve got some experience.

I started thinking about my original novel and the unlikable traits of the main character and my parallels to Scrooge. Dickens humanizes Scrooge much relatively early, but I may have kept people to deep in the dark, about my main character’s thorn. Intelligent readers should pick up a few hints, in the first chapter. but the novel diverts away from my main character’s personal past, for far too long. Writing is a craft, but it’s often easier t see a problem than it is to fix it. If my heart ever mends enough for me to start editing my two novels; once again, I may plug in hints to the heart problem. inside other chapters.

Love will probably be a key element, in my third novel. My dwarf only gets a glimpse of love, in her first novel, but the third novel needs to capture what a glimpse will do.

My depression has kept me away from my novels, for a while now. Never write while depressed, in anything more than scribble. I know I can only do harm, in the state I’ve been in. When you’re left with ‘scrambled eggs for brains’ depression leaves too much shell in the dish.

Depression and the writing process

You often find creativity in the damaged goods section, of your artistic market, but depression hinders more often than it helps if it helps at all. Yes, there’s humor in the insanity and horror in the nightmares but the link between creativity and depression — is that no one treasures the rare glitter of a nugget as much as a depressed person. How can you not me a misanthrope when you more often sift sand. Can you stop yourself from your wagon to a mule made of fool’s gold – Trojan mule only harbors the angels of death?

I’m supposed to be editing the “to be’s” out of my writing, but judging whether a “to be” is –to be, becomes more difficult when you’re depressed. Why shouldn’t the author “not to be” and let the “to be’s”, of the text live? This insanity is what spins in your head.

Editing without hope is a hard thing to do. Why bother? It all becomes harder as I approach the end. I expect only a mirage and never the oasis. The blind rage is more welcome than despair..I feel myself hoping someone will piss me off one final time.

Redemption For A Dwarf

My third novel will probably feature redemption. The main character has done some bad things and being a dwarf prompted elements of payback. You can blame the ghosts for some of her actions, but you should notice when size matters.

The time frame will be somewhat difficult to manage and that’s a reason why I used underage characters in the first novel. I still need to puzzle out the rest of the story, but considering how depressed I become when editing – I need to dip my head back into the creation process. Changes to the original novel need to occur; now, that I’ve done the prequel and I may need to set things up for the third novel.

Depression may play role in my character’s mood swings, I can’t make her too good, too fast, because her volatile nature will probably be needed to liven up scenes in the novel. She’ll need to show some regret and depression will follow. Rage may derive from actions, she’s forced to take to response to actions by the antagonist.

“Redemption For A Dwarf” is my working title, but I may go in another direction.